Weird-Ass Cover Wednesday: Feature Comics

Greeting, subcreatures. I have returned to shake each of you out of the stupor induced by your recent food-and-gratitude orgy.

For the record, I am thankful for my three brains, limoncello, and lax extradition treaties. Now, go and enjoy the jocularity! King Clownape commands you!

Vaklam: Thanks again, your majesty and welcome back. This week, we're going back to the late 1930s - early 1940s to focus on Feature Comics:

I so want the octopus to be named Vincent so this cover will be the lead-in to a Twilight-Zone style twist ending!


Joe Palooka was actually a highly-skilled assassin. Knobby was never seen again after this tragic "hunting accident".


Fun Fact! This same cover also appeared on an issue of Laundry Fetish Quarterly,

Weird-Ass Cover Wednesday Goes to Hell

Ah, Marvel Comics in the 1970s. They were both awesome and ridiculous. This was the company and the decade that brought us Hellcow, Manphibian, Shang-Chi, Heroes for Hire, the motorcycle-riding Ghost Rider, and a whole slew of monster titles.

They also brought us Daimon Hellstrom, Son of Satan. You know how he got that nickname? It's because he's literally Satan's kid. Unlike his sister Satana (now, that's a name!), Daimon rebelled against his father and sought to do good. Seriously, though, how surprised can Satan be when his son betrays him? He really should have seen that coming.

Daimon (not Damien, please don't sue!) was a badass magician and healer who went around the Marvel Universe kicking ass. And being the son of Satan. Check out the covers from his title:

This comic wasn't messing around. You know that climactic confrontation that most story arcs end with. This one started with it! Take that dramatic expectations!


Marvel was known for it's hyperbole, especially on its covers. This is the company that proclaimed The Fantastic Four to be "The Worlds Greatest Comic Magazine" every single month. Now, let's take a look at the text in the lower right-hand corner of the cover:

Possibly the most thrill-packed supernatural adventure you'll read this month!

Hey, now! Don't get cocky, Marvel copy writers!

What's with all the qualifiers? "Possibly" and "this month" are bad enough but to further limit this issue's competition by only including supernatural adventures does not inspire the reader with confidence.


Holy crap! That dude's got three faces! And he's fighting Satan!

Hmmm. Maybe this one should have gone in with the Awesome covers.

Weird-Ass Cover Wednesday From Beyond The Grave

Casper's adventures were pretty lighhearted, in general. However, in the 1970s, the editors at Harvey Comics approved a title which put a darker spin on the character. They added a spectral horse named Nightmare to the Casperverse and the two of them rode around the world making more dead people in the name of their unholy lich lord, Morguul.

This policeman reported a strange sighting out past the old Johnson place on Highway 4. He was never heard from again but they say that on moonless nights, when the wind is right, you can hear a spectral voice saying, "Is this sort of thing even my jurisdiction?"


And here we have Casper and Nightmare cooperating to lead ships to their doom against the sharp, unforgiving rocks. There was much celebrating in the Grand Bonehalls of Morguul's blood-soaked realm that night.


Having a drought, boys? Well, let's see how you like it when my horse and I drink all your water. And here's the kicker! We don't even need it! We're already dead! See you in hell, amigos!


Hey, Sonny Bono! Race you to the bottom! Loser buys the hot chocolate!

Casper Covers Preview

Weird-Ass Cover Wednesday is going to be Weird-Ass Cover Thursday this week. So, here's a hint of what I'm working on:

Hey everybody! It's DEAD-alus.

Thank you, I'll be here all week.



And here's everyone's favorite spectre on his dead, rabid horse!

More ghoulish hilarity tomorrow.

Weird-Ass Cover Wednesday - Black Diamond Western

Black Diamond Western ran in the early 1950s and had some of the wackiest covers ever. OK, maybe not Rex The Wonder Dog wacky but these things are insidious.

If only we had listened to Black Diamond, we wouldn't be in this mess! Damn sub-prime mortgages!


Black Diamond don't let a little thing like Euclidean geometry get in the way of meting out justice. The Law of the Frontier takes precedence over the Laws of Physics. Is he the sheriff of Flatland?


Ahd the snake pit! And the horde of ninjas!

And ebola!

And the fact that your torso is twisted at a hideous angle!

This might just be the best comic-book cover ever. This one practically has an entire issue's worth of words on it. Let's break down the elements that make this great:

1. A wicked awesome villain named Randito who refers to himself in the third person.
   
2. A guitar that is actually a gun.
   
3. The sentence "Oh! Your guitar is a gun!"
   
4. Horse fight.
   

Weird-Ass Cover Wednesday: Brides Romances

Ah, marriage!

I have three wives!

How do you like them apples?

Carry on with your tomfoolery. I have a canasta game to get to.

Subcreatures


Vaklam: Thanks again, King. Good to have you back. So, romance comics. There sure were a lot of them back in the day. 'The day' for Brides Romances was the 1950s. The art on the covers is actually pretty good but what makes them hilarious is the unintentional commentary provided by the placement of the titles of the secondary stories.

They're like tragic, little thought balloons. Check 'em out!


"Summer Fling"

"I was ashamed of him"

"Nobody wanted me"

What, exactly, is she wanting to explain?


Yeah. If he's saying 'Heaven is right here' and the woman he's kissing has already made her choice, I don't think you've got a dog in this race anymore.


Oh, honey! He's trying to let you down easy because of his fickle boyfriend! Take my advice and leave him now before you see him in the arms of that well-oiled lifeguard in Ibiza Getaway VII.


This one's interesting because the Brides Romance Thought Detector 3000 seems to be picking up the brainwaves of that lady in the audience rather than the main characters. But I have to say, if that's an accurate description of the arc of her love life, she's doing all right now that she's found someone to pamper her. Look at the smile on her face. Heartwarming!

Weird-Ass Cover Wednesday: Mad About Millie

King Clownape decided to sit this one out. I'm not sure exactly why. He just wandered off muttering something about a 'history' with Millie.

I've got a soft spot in my heart for Millie the Model and so does Marvel Comics, apparently, because she keeps showing up in other titles. She was at Reed and Sue's wedding as well as issues of The Defenders and She Hulk. She is officially part of the Marvel Universe.

The character originally appeared in 1945 in Marvel's predecessor Timely Comics and later in Atlas Comics. Mad About Millie ran from 1969 - 1970 and was, as far as I can tell, one big advertisement for the era's swingin' sexual revolution. I present the evidence below:

Millie and her boyfriend cannot delay the satisfaction of their carnal desires long enough to assist their friend in the pedaling of the bicycle. Shameful! And kinda hot.


Um...they're not exactly knocking. If you know what I'm sayin'.


Millie and her boyfriend the "photographer" are either once again so enraptured with each other that they don't notice the burglar or this is some sort of kinky, elaborate roleplay scheme. Shocking!


And here we have the culmination of all these shenanigans. A freaky, outdoor swingers party! I guess comic books do lead to the corruption of our youth. Go figure.

This post has been

Weird-Ass Cover Wednesday: Monkeyshines

Greetings, subcreatures. I have returned from my vacation and am now ready to introduce another installment of Weird-Ass Cover Wednesday. This week, the proprietor of this 'blog' has chosen to poke fun at Monkeyshines Comics.

Monkeyshines. I see.

You must be kidding. Funny animal comics? I go away for a couple of weeks and this is what I find!

Also, "monkey". How droll. I tire of this. Carry on with your little jape-fest. I expect improvement next week. Serious improvement.

Vaklam: Welcome back, Your Majesty. Monkeyshines is a comic from the 1940s which featured most of the funny-animal tropes anyone who has seen more than three Warner-Brothers cartoons is familiar with. Some of the covers reveal a significant malacious streak. Enjoy!


OK, this one's pretty standard. Quite clever, actually. The rabbit and the mouse have instituted double-redundancy. If one of those weapons-of-cat-destruction doesn't wipe out their target there are two more that will surely do the job.

Also, the characters on the left are all people I went to college with. True story.



Roller Coaster. Nice touch. What gets me, though, is the expression on the mouse's face. On the cover for issue #21 above, he looks malicious but also a little angry. Like the cat has done something to deserve this fate. In this one, however, he is obviously beginning to enjoy causing this cat to plunge to a horrible death. Fortunately for Mouse and Squirrel, the sign meets all OSHA standards.


All right, now it's obvious that the mouse is a fucking sadist. He's made an elaborate game out of harming the cat and his rabbit buddy is on call to resuscitate the cat, keeping him alive so they can play out ever greater torture scenarios until their feline captive begs for the sweet release of death.

Hey, kids! Comics!



Oh, damn. Now, that's just mean. This is the final depredation. The killing blow. The mouse has literally defanged his would-be predator. And look at the mouse's expression. He has truly become that which he despises. He has stared into the abyss and the abyss has stared back. Things fall apart. The center cannot hold.

Fun for the whole family!

Weird-Ass Cover Wednesday: Konga!

In 1961, Herman Cohen and American International Pictures made a film called Konga. Turns out it was not about the tiny, Swedish village but, instead, about a giant ape. This disappointed many people. Despite this, it was a big hit and Charlton made a comic book out of it. It ran for 23 issues and had some of the ca-ray-ziest covers ever.

King Clownape is still away. He has decided to follow Foreigner during this leg of their comeback tour. So, we have a special guest who will provide the commentary for each issue. Konga himself! Take it away!


Um...guys? Little help? Pardon me, but I seem to be stuck in the-- Hello? Giant ape behind you. Over here. Oh, for the love of!



Funny story: I find that I am often hunted by humanity. So the fact that you, a group of alien invaders, are on the verge of attacking me is, while an interesting twist on the basic giant-monster tropes, rather annoying as I am generally unconcerned by what happens to the inhabitants of this planet.

***KZZZZORT!!***
OW! OK, now you have forced my hand by making me mad. How predictable.



Another alien invasion? Fine. You know what? I'm not even going to bother trying to talk to you this time. Just don't hurt the guy on my shoulder. He's like a pet.



You see that look on my face? It's not from the pain of the laser blast. It is an expression born of the crushing ennui I now have because of all these would-be world conquerors singling me out. What, do I have a target on my back? How did I end up as the thing one must get through before taking over Earth? I mean I'm big but I'm not--

You know, what? Forget it. No per diem is worth this. I'll be in my trailer. You'll hear from my agent.

Weird-Ass Cover Wednesday: Dick Tracy

King Clownape is on vacation this week at the big Stevie Nicks convention but he sent a message for you all.

"Balls"

OK. Thanks, Your Majesty. Here are some weird-ass Dick Tracy covers.


And he found him with a dowsing rod! This kid is a badass!



Dick Tracy, Adbuster!



Officer Doyle: Sir? Sir? You don't need a jeweler's loupe to examine a shoe.

Dick Tracy: Shhhhhh. I'm having some 'me' time, here.

Officer Doyle: But, sir, that shadow looks--

Dick Tracy: It's OK, Shoe. No one understands our love.



And, finally, Jason, this one's for you.

Dick Tracy vs. Race Bannon.

Weird-Ass Cover Wednesday: Shield-Wizard Comics!

Hello, again! It is I! King Clownape I. That's right. I put a 'the first' on my name. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. I can smoke three pipes simultaneously. Ha!

But enough about me. How awesome do you think I am. Good, good. As it should be. I have met the requirements of my "contract" with the proprietor of this "blog" by allowing all of you unworthy, single-brained subcreatures to gaze upon my magnificence. Now, I leave you. Oprah's on.

Vaklam: Er, thanks, Your Majesty. This week, Weird-Ass Cover Wednesday is actually being posted on a Wednesday!

In 1940, MLJ Comics (which would later be renamed Archie Comics) put out a title which combined The Shield with The Wizard. Or, as they put it, "The G-Man Extraordinary and the Man with the Super Brain". Check out the covers below and see if you can pick up on some of the subtle themes.

#3


This one's a little blurry but you can see what's going on. Lizardy alien dudes with Tommy guns. And the sidekicks are tied to missles. MmmHmm.

The sidekicks are named Dusty and Roy the Super Boy. Make of that what you will.

#5


Shield and Wizard are kicking some NAZI ass! Yeah! But wait. Those goose-steppers are armed with...torches?

Oh, they're burning Roy the Super Boy at the stake. I guess that explains why they don't have guns. My head hurts.

#6


It looks like those lizard dudes are back. And this time, one of them is dressed as Dr. Strange! Nefarious!

It's a good thing Dusty was there to catch the nitro-glycerin. And, oh man! If Roy hadn't been manacled to the vault door just in the nick of time I don't know what we would have done.

Seriously, though. He's smiling. Roy, get help.

Weird-Ass Cover Wednesday: Spy Smasher!

Greetings inferior, single-brained creatures! It is I, King Clownape! The proprietor of this 'blog' has been typically lax in 'updating' and other activities which require the use of 'quotation marks'. Therefore, I sent my army of Gibbons and Siamangs to 'convince' him that he should begin the Weird-Ass Cover Wednesday posts once again.

And by 'convince' I mean 'physically assault'.

So, this Wednesday-- What? It is, too Wedensday! I am your monarch! I have decreed that it is now Wednesday. And circus peanuts are our national bird. So, there!

As, I was saying. This Wednesday, the hairless ape who 'runs' this place has chosen to blather on about spy comics of the 1940s. Normally, I would have him summarily executed for choosing such a lame subject but I have decided in my magnificence to 'cut him some slack' as the kids say. He is still a bit rusty. So, Vaklam, 'take it away'!


Vaklam: Thanks, Your Majesty. Anybody who knows me, knows I love pictures of dudes attacking planes in mid air. Back in high-school they used to call me "That Guy Who Loves Mid-Air Plane Attacks By Dudes". I also love making fun of comic-book covers from the 40s and 50s. And so I present to you, Spy Smasher! It was tough to limit my choices to just three but here they are in all their weird-assery. It is too a word. The King says so.

#8


Let's start right off with the dude kicking a plane! How badass is that? This guy is serious about smashing spies. Although, I'm not sure that a pilot wearing a Japanese uniform and flying a clearly-marked Japanese plane counts as a spy. Maybe he was flying really high. Or maybe Spy Smasher has overstepped his original job description. He's a real go-getter, that Spy Smasher!


#7


OK, I don't mean to harp on the whole 'Jap' thing but, look! He's fighting a dragon! That's almost as good as kicking a pilot out of a plane!

Hm, wait a minute. How is the dragon a spy? Maybe he was operating undercover among the American dragons. Filtering information back to his masters.

I'm beginning to doubt the Smasher's commitment to smashing spies.


#10


First let's answer the question on the cover: No.

Next...Well, I give up. Hitler is not a spy. I guess shooting someone in the face is a valid form of smashing but the leader of an enemy nation cannot be a spy. He's too high profile.

Spy Smasher, you are brave and willing to kick dudes out of planes but you really need to either change your name or find some actual spies to smash.

Seriously. Get help.

Weird-Ass Cover Wednesday: Christmas Special!

Merry Christmas from Noetic Concordance!

Because Christmas is all about the lovin'.




A classic. That little frightened elf cowering behind Santa makes my heart grow three sizes.


And now, a couple of space-Santas with a bit less violence and kidnapping: